His house is surrounded by homeless people. There are break ins and prostitution but there is also an International Flavor with many ethnic families surviving and prospering. This neighborhood has a third world, crowded and dense, feeling to it. My lover lives in a sweet little house on the edge of the intersection. I imagine him in there sleeping sometimes when I am not there. It seems likd a dangerous place but he can make me feel safe anywhere.
He is trouble tho. Aren’t all lovers trouble? I want to be able to survive anything and give away everything. There are so many ways to survive in this world that we have no excuse for making it worse. I have an urge to start doing Art in my lover’s front yard. I would make flags and do paintings and sell them over the fence. It is a very vivid fantasy of mine.
There is an infinite amount of ways to be. I like to take chances. My mother’s fears hold me tight tho. I think about my dad and her in bed together. I know she got in bed with him the last three days and helped him die alone and then called the hospital and only the next day did she call me. She wants to protect me from death but that is impossible.
If she knew that I had a lover in that bad neighborhood it could kill her. She might be right to be afraid. Very afraid. I spent some time there this afternoon and watched the people. They watched me. I didn’t fit in too well. White and fancy. I would like to think I could blend into this place. Something in me wants to stay away tho. I have really only been to my lover’s house three times. It was a little messy for my taste but it was so cute except for the traffic noises….and the homeless.
Help me to understand why I am attracted to this man. I guess time will tell. We are both just fine without each other and value space sometimes but oh the passion that happens when we are together is so stupendous that it really should be banned. Neighborhoods watch out for things like that. They watch out for everything.
I am so glad we are not at war. I am so grateful for a peaceful neighborhood. Peace and Beauty go together, don’t they? It would take an act of extreme bravery for me to go to his house and hang out more. I could do it and still might at time goes on. Time seems to warp and contract tho. We are throw together with people in the waves and as we bob along we should really try to get along.
Not easy tho. Not easy at all. Right now I am not brave enough to go out into too many neighborhoods. I concentrate on my mom’s lily white compound. Oh there are some racial exceptions but it is a “good” neighborhood. Controlled. My lover’s neighborhood is black to its white. Who is in charge? Doesn’t anyone want to make it a beautiful place and take care of people. Living deep in a city is a challenge I am just not up for.
I am lucky to be out of town in a quiet park where I feel safe.
Zanelle 