Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily….life is but a dream. I am in the mist lately. Moving on from a man I thought I loved to another that I feel is probably too busy for me. It is nice how it worked out tho. After I went all the way to Texas my friend told me it was over because we are just too far away and neither of us will move. If it was truly love we would but it obviously isnt.
So it goes…Another one bites the dust. So I am eating cake, taking care of myself and trying not to cry. I didnt miss Texas. I was there. It was fabulous. I would like to go again but I guess it is not to be. I wont be paling around with that tall, handsome black man in his mercedes. I had him and now I am letting him go. It wasnt love. It was desire.
I have tried to move on from him the moment I met him. It never worked. It has been about three years that we have visited back and forth. Not much communication or security but a great yearning and excitement when we came together. So now I move on.
I did have two dates lately. The fellow seemed nice enough and smart. But when we met at the red pavilion in the Asian park he had no lips. That is always a bad sign. No lips mean hard kisses. In our case there were no kisses. He hadnt been with anyone in the sixteen years since he divorced his wife because she was too fat and stupid. She was Philipino and he said he had a thing for Asian ladies. I told him I had a thing for tall black guys but I was trying anything now. We talked for three hours.
We met one other time for a walk through the zoo. He was very involved in all sorts of things and I thought that would be good until I started to hear about all the ways he volunteered at the zoo and I could imagine he was difficult to work with. He told me he had put new cinder blocks all around his section of the gardens. The didn’t match the natural look of the zoo but I suppose no one told him that. He wanted to bleach the moss off the old section of wall and right then I knew he wasnt for me. I loved the moss look.
He had two restraining orders against him. I told him that was a red flag and he said he was sorry but the people were horrible who were trying to quiet him. Im sure glad he told me about the orders as it put it all into place and it was easy to just drop each other after that walk in the zoo. We both complimented each other for a nice visit and then silence. We were both done. Moving on.
So I met another fellow. Online connections are endless and it is a challenge to meet someone new but when it happens the gears can grind quickly. I felt so confident in this fellow that I invited him over to my house to meet him. It was Valentine Day and I needed a little hug. That is how I have done it a couple times and I have only regretted it a few times. It is stupid. But I dont really care. I was right…he is a good guy and just moved to the neighborhood here so we are friends now.
Friends with kisses. So nice to smoke a little pot and kiss.. The first meeting was quick but the second time he came over we laid out on the deck and smooched. Very sweet and he was just bowled over. He is a lucky guy. There are lots of guys who would want to kiss me but i won’t let them in. They are too short or round or boring and I hold them at arms link. How did this fellow just waltz right in and kiss me? Such a mystery.
He has baggage tho. He lives with his daughter and his ex wife. They are waiting for the daughters boyfriend to immigrate from Korea and they are building a house near me down by the ocean with four bedrooms. The ex wife has parkinsons….Not easy. Not easy. That is why it is called baggage. The attention goes away from me to her. It breaks my heart to be alone and yet I relish it. I dont want to be an attention whore because then I have to put up with the fellow as he gives me all the attention and it gets old. However attention is the key and if it isnt there feeling fade.
I like this new fellow. He is a Sagittarius like my Texas fellow and myself. So that is a nice connection. We got comfortable with each other right away. More baggage tho in that he can’t swallow. He has an esophagus that doesnt have any movement so he has to have botox treatments inside his stomach connection so it lets food pass. He is very thin but strong.
He has lots of stories. I do too. I think I have already surpassed him with stories but he has surprised me and I like that. His ex wife was an ex nun when he met her. He is a German Jew and Spanish and she is Irish and Scottish. I like to know the ethnic backgrounds of people. My cajun in Texas has such a colorful past. This fellow has been able to give me the smarts I was missing without the voodoo. and he has been able to smoke pot with me without being crazy. He is a psychologist so is a helper. Look for the helpers, they say.
I am a helper too and lately have realized that my art can help others. I always thought of it as something just for me but when I do it so it reaches out to others I gain more strength from it. An old native saying says you have to share something to get its full power. But when I do art for someone else it doesnt ring true. The hammock painting above is just for me and I love that. Sharing my life with another is something I am not really good at. We will see how this new fellow acts. Can I share? Probably not.
He seems too busy already. I dont like busy people. He has just retired and doesnt realize that he needs to slow down. He is trying hard to care for his daughter and ex wife and do the right thing but in my view the right thing would be for him to be with me and support me and love me twenty four seven. I dont feel it. I did at first but as I havent seen him or really communicated with him for a couple days I can see he is busy. Too busy for me.? Too thin. Oh well. I am glad he appeared on Valentines Day and we had some hugs and the next time we had some kisses. time will tell.
I also havent heard from Sterling, my love on Second Life. He came back into my life and we had a great cyber coupling night. Then he managed to meet me in time and space on the cyber plane one more time and now he is gone. We met on the beach in Second Life and he came towards me and I jumped into his arms and he held me up tight to kiss me. It is an animation that he initiated and it is fun to be weightless in his arms. We kissed and held each other and then he crashed off the computer. I was left hanging in mid air.
I havent heard from him since. He is gone. No messages, no emails, I wonder what happened to him. He got a new computer just to start our affair up again. He said he was relatively healthy altho unbalanced. He does too much. Busy Busy Busy. It was like the weight of my cyber body was too much for him and he folded up. I wonder what happened. I may never know. I hate to think he is gone. I wanted him to come to me in real life because I really felt love for him but maybe that love stuff is just an illusion.
Which reminds me of the Viking. I had a message from him yesterday. Made me feel good to catch up with him. “How is the love stuff going for you?” I asked. He had ditched me for a lady who made him feel good. “But she makes everyone feel good.” he lamented. She didnt love him. He is in mourning still but it was nice to see he has settled down from fucking every lady he could in cyberspace. I would hook up with him again but I have the new fellow to contend with. Nice to know the viking is just up the road here. He was too young and virile and the spark was just not love…he sure was a stallion tho and very smart. But he is ADD and I can see he has to keep a low profile as stress can be so withering. He misses love. I do too. But sometimes you have to just move on.
Zanelle 